‘My Sweet Wife’

Yes, you heard that right, “My sweet wife”. Finally, I am engaged, Hurrraaay. At least I have a reason for not writing anything for what felt like a decade.

Just kidding though, I am still a confused early 20 something young man who thinks he is old and wise and is yet living in his parents’ house and at the same time is trying to confuse girls who are unconfusable if that is even an english word and in the hope of getting laid is doing everything to find his own house somewhere in Kasarani but rumors are, the area is worse than North Eastern when it comes to water. The only water they know here is “What? Eh?” when you ask the residents a question. Get it? I see I’m the only one laughing, wow, speaking of dry jokes, Water please.

What a way to introduce yourself Hiram! What a way!!

Now to the most important part of this article. Kindly reread the heading. For those lazy to scroll up, the heading is “My sweet wife”. Also, to those using their computers and still lazy to scroll their eyes up, Proverbs 13:4 is for you. So, the other day, I was in a matatu heading home (parents’ home – someone made me do this) from town. No, I didn’t sit next to a beautiful girl or something, or did I? and I was just there seated minding my own business with my very intellect thoughts. Like, why is the sleep in a matatu directly proportional to the sleep on a locker back in High school?

So, as I was trying to use Pythagoras theorem to prove this theory, someone seated like two seats in front of me pulls out his phone and calls someone. And as if to confirm if the phone is ringing he draws it out from his ear a little bit and there, there I see it, the suicidal term, “My sweet wife”. I kid you not, this hit me harder than Mayweather would have if he caught his girlfriend cheating on him with me. I mean, who are this people?

How do you save someone “My sweet wife?” I know most of you would see nothing wrong with this but no, no, no, not me. That shit ain’t right. That’s not how we were brought up and if I ever did that and any member of my family saw, even that new born child with no name yet, I would be disowned there and then.

This is serious guys. I know you’ll say some shit like it’s true love or that the guy is trying to blind his ‘mama’ coz maybe he has other mistresses on the side saved as dj shiti or something but still I insist, this is an abomination. (If you don’t understand sheng, don’t google that word, ‘mama’, you’ll get lost, it means girlfriend here in Eastlands).

You may be right also, it could be how I grew up. In my family, I know we love each other 😂 but not at any one time, have I ever heard anyone say, “I love you.” Maybe this one time, I heard it from my mother but it was not directed to me, it was like “Mimi napenda watoto wangu” and it was a Swahili homework which she was assisting my little brother and they were required to ‘Kanusha’ and this is what she said,”Hio haezi kanushwa. Answer ni ioo ioo tu.” My little brother almost got a beating for trying to prove to be smarter by giving the correct answer. Haha. I might have exaggerated a little bit there but actions are what show love.

For me, I would never save anyone as “My sweet wife” on my phone or even “My best friend” but you know what I’ll do? I will show it. If you are sweet, just a sec, or did this guy mean the other sweet? Well, I guess we will never know and if that is the case lets call it a wrap until its confirmed by our ‘Intelligence Division’ ( wamama wa ploti)

All in all, it is not a big deal, even my parents have not saved each other on their phones. They just have each other phone numbers saved somewhere on their fingertips.

A wise man once said, “The heart is not so smart.” So, to all the love birds out here, try to put your minds somewhere in the relationship and together let’s prevent this world crisis. No, Continental crisis. Wazungu tulishawazoea.

Till we meet again. Success in all your endeavors.



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